Crawling

Have you ever looked into the mirror and just saw someone completely different? You give yourself a hard look and the person you see is SO different and SO hard to look at that it turns your stomach to even give a glance? That's what I'm doing and I can feel my insides twist and turn telling me to look away because that isn't you and I know it is. What can I do? I want who I was back. I don't want this and I look away into the bedroom thinking my escape is there. She's not...she told me this morning she was going to do something or go somewhere but I completely tuned her out. I didn't mean to but I did and she gave me this hurt look...it stung. Instead of arguing about it she gave me a sad smile and brought me back to reality. She reminded me of the appointment today and asked me to go as if I'd back out from agreeing.

I think she was just worried it'd be too much though I need it. She didn't push me even if she had give me a little shove in the right direction. She just asked me to go actually that isn't even right. She begged me to go and she never begs for anything like this. She kept telling me over and over that I needed it I needed the help and every time I turn around afraid that a small touch was someone going to kill me it's just her trying to reach me. It makes me feel like the devil in a way. I don't understand WHY she stays with me through this and continues to be my pillar because I am certainly not standing very well. Something gleamed in her eyes too and It reminded of why I love her. I love her so god damned much but I can't even say like it'd be a curse for her to hear. Like I'd have condemned her right then and there to death. THAT scared me and even as she left this morning with an awkward silence I opened my mouth to tell her but the words where stuck in my throat and then she was gone. It's not that hard to say "I love you Sam." With all the love I have for her is it? I can tell every night in the uncomfortable choking silence that she needs to hear it but won't push for it. Why Sam? If you can push me to do this why can't you ask for the words?

I abruptly move from the mirror to scared of my reflection to continue to stare at it as I think I'm in front of my bed with a set of clothes in front of me. I didn't lay them out. There's a note on them that reads "Had to wash it sorry 3 ,Love Sam" Her name was scribbled fancily. My heart ached at the last two words. Do you need to hear it or do you want to hear it Sam? I don't know anymore but I am thankful she washed the hoodie. I'd let it go for a few days and hated going out because the world seemed to be in shade's of grey and red now...except Sam. Sam is contrasted from everything else and it hurts more to think about. I've this beautiful...iridescent...person in front of me helping me and I push her away. I'm surprised she's been with me this long. I'd never have started going if she hadn't tried to help me.

I wake up every night in sweat from nightmares and the littlest sounds to my Flight or Fight kicked on only now it seems like hurt or murder. I don't like it. I HATE IT. Anything can set me off and I hate it. Sometimes I think it's better if I was just locked up just so I couldn't hurt anyone. I can't be in a crowd and I certainly hate being around people. My world spins in front of me as I pull the hoodie on over some shirt I paid no attention to. Hiding my face didn't help it just made me feel like I was hidden among everyone else. Wish I had gloves because I stare at the scars on my hand my stomach instantly drops. Everyone of these reminds me how I survived and why I did it. I murdered people and I did it for survival. I'll never hate the reason for it because my reason for surviving was Sam and the others. I had to kill to survive and I could see most of the faces like they where burned into my retina's un able to soothe away.

It tares me apart to think that I killed someone's father, son, nephew, uncle, brother, or just someone important to them. They'll never get to see that person again because of ME and what I had to do for the people I was responsible for that I cared about when over half of them died. Great job right? I did a superb job and they're dead probably hating me. I don't blame them you know. I want to make it up to them but I can't.

I pull on a leather jacket not caring how it looked. I just wanted to feel hidden and it worked a little but I felt no better than before. After I've tied my shoes I look across the table to find a new phone and remember Sam telling me she got me a brand new one so I wouldn't have to put up with any media service contacting me. It only had HER number on it. Her new one. I had that memorized by heart. I practically engraved it into my memory. I think I remember her telling me about a special something on it for me. I picked it up and it was a little heavier than mine but it wasn't a big deal as I somehow managed to find my way to a music library. It looked fancy but I gave a frown as I saw a couple that where titled "Roth" and "Thank you" I forced the lump in my throat down and opened the one titled Roth turning the volume up so I could hear it clearing.

"So Mr. Roth what would you like to tell Lara for the big day?" It was Sam...I remembered this. This was shortly before we graduated Uni.

"I'd just like to congratulate the little Croft," He said with a chuckle. "I'm proud of er." My stomach dropped. "But eh don't forget you did it too Nishimura." He told her sternly.

"I'm surprised too." She meant that. She NEVER thought she'd do it but I kept pushing her to do her best. "But hey we can atl east celebrate now!" She exclaimed in victory. "Get down and dirty you know-"

"I'm leaving." He grunted. "But Lara I am proud of you girl. I'm proud of the little heathen too."

I sat back straining to keep the lump down and my eyes clear. Goddamn it was not fair. He sounded SO proud of me. He sounded so happy to have been with me at that point. I missed him so much. So damned much. He was proud of me but he was gone and I know he'd never change a thing even if he could. I felt terrible too now because of me Alisha wouldn't get to know her father ever. I am such a monster.

Before I could think about it anymore I clicked the last file. It started with Sam cursing at someone. I wanted to chuckle at that and might have if she didn't sounded pissed at them. She cleared her throat though and sighed sounding a little more relaxed.

"Hey sweetie," She sounded a little tired to be honest. "I know I'm not there right now but I...wanted to thank you for doing this. I know you don't want to and I'm really really sorry for that. I'm not even going to try to argue my reasoning for it but I just want you to be you. I want to look in the mirror and be happy with who you are because you aren't the monster or the demon you think you are," She noticed? I didn't try to hide it so I'm not sure why I was surprised. "I'm sorry I forced you to do this. I'm sorry I- SHIT!" A loud boom could be heard over it making me jump up and grip the chair I was sitting. "Fuck...that's just ridiculous. I can't believe I-" She was upset with herself for reacting like she did. I didn't even realize she... "Whatever...Sweetie Thank you for this. It won't fix everything but- just thank you so so so much." She sounded so exhausted. "I can't thank you enough for everything. I-" Say it Sam. Please say it. I could hear the strain in her voice like I'd have when I tried to say it. "will talk to you when you come home. Take care sweetie. Love Sam."

With my grip on the chair I am surprised it didn't break. I cursed myself inwardly gritting my teeth as I let go and watched my hand turn back to it's normal color. I stared at the phone before checking the clock. Yeah I have thirty minutes to get there. It'd take me that long if I walked. No too many people. Way too many people so I just call a cab. He's there in a couple of minutes and gives a smile and nod as I get in. He could tell by my expression I guess that I didn't want to talk and stayed quiet after I gave him the address. He gave me looks every once i awhile. I guess just to see if I was okay. I wasn't but ignored him.

When I got there I tried to pay him but he just waved me off inside. I only nodded not feeling like I should fight about this and ignored everyone as I made way into the building. It wasn't busy and I was told to wait that he'd be with me in a moment. I sat in a chair and waited.

I didn't want to be here but I could not blame Sam for that or for me being here. It was bound to happen. I am glad I am here and I am glad it was Sam who has brought me to do this. I am so sorry Sam for everything I am putting you through. You have your own problems but you're taking care of me like you owe me something. You don't owe me anything. I owe you everything, I owe you the world, and I am sorry I can't give it too you. Please never give up on me. Please just don't. Wait and I'll tell you how much you've done for me, how much I cherish you, and everything you've done for me. Sam..